Why I Still Feel Bitter 

In the beginning you once told me that if I could reach into the stars and give you the moon it would still not be enough to show you how much I love you. You also told me time and time again how I was your rock, and made you a better man. But I don’t want the moon for it only shines in the light of the sun and does not shine on its own. I am my own shining star with a bright future sill ahead me. I do not need your light to guide my way. I don’t want to be a rock for they are dull, cold and crack under the pressure of others. I am not meant to be held down for others to succeed.
But do know this, I have learned many lessons from sacrificing my time, my identity, my dreams, my future, my everything to only have it thrown back at me as not being good enough. I know I can be harsh and limited to who I give my love to, but time and time again I have been shown that I am only worthy of being loved by others when they have something to gain from it. 

I didn’t deserve to be used. I didn’t deserve being talked to the way I was. I didn’t deserve the fights and the screaming and the tears. While I didn’t deserve those things, I tolerated it. I tolerated it because you said I made you a better man and to just give you time and in time it felt like the norm. 

Do you know what it’s like to look at someone you love, with all your heart and believe in them despite everyone’s doubt?

Do you have any clue how hard it is to walk away from the person you loved most in this world?

You don’t, because you never truly loved me.

And I don’t think you saw the full effect of what you did to me.

It broke me to say goodbye to you. In fact, I wanted with every fiber of my being for us to make it. I wanted the words you said not to be lies. I wanted to prove that your reputation wasn’t what everyone said it was. I wanted everyone to be wrong about you.

In the end, you made me feel I was not worthy, that the sacrifices I made meant nothing, that my job and education were worthless. That I was worthless in your eyes and could never live up to the person you were. 

You can call me bitter but I have the right to hurt, I have the right to feel angry, I sacrificed over a decade of my life to you, and bared your child. You walked away from a 10-year marriage saying that you can’t handle the family life that your career and money meant more to you, but then you fall obsessively in love with a woman with 4 children, no job or education. Yet you preach to the world how amazing she is and how she gives and gives and never ask for anything? How is it possible to never ask for anything when she needs to depend on others hard earned money to support herself and children. I’m sorry, I digress.   

I don’t want to speak ill of her, you have the right to move on and love again, it just doesn’t ease the pain or help me heal from the emotional abuse knowing that even though I have accomplished so much in my life that it means nothing to you, not even a small thank you on Mother’s Day. But she can do no harm. That she is perfect in your eyes. 

I am trying to move on and heal. I want to forgive you for your past mistakes. I want to forgive you for the person you were. I know you may not be him anymore or maybe you’re on the road to bettering yourself. But, that same toxic person turned everything black in its path, myself included. 

I might have been damaged by many people before you, but they never broke me the way you did. They never changed me the way you did. I overcame them, but I couldn’t overcome you.

I have become so numb because of you. 

And now I’m lost trying to find myself again, while you are building a home with your new family. You think you’ve hid every skeleton in your closet, but eventually the past will come back to haunt you. It will ruin you the way you have ruined me.

When that day comes, I hope the ghost that will haunt you most, will be regret. Regret that you walked away from the one who truly loved you, who truly gave and gave to you, and only asked to be loved by you. 

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